Multiple Personality Disorder

Multiple Personality Disorder

Characters:
Dr. Schraubenlocker - Psychologist
Manfred – Has multiple Personality Disorder
Mrs. Atkins – Manfred's mother
Secretary

Props:
2 Chairs
Desk
Steel Rod
Hand Gun
2 Machine Guns

(The scene opens with Dr. Schraubenlocker sitting at his desk in his office. His secretary is sitting on his lap. They are giggling at each other and are about to make out when the phone rings. )

Dr. Schraubenlocker picks up the phone.

Schraubenlocker: Hello? --- (disappointed) hi, Mom.

(The secretary rolls her eyes and leaves as soon as he says the word “mom”)

Schraubenlocker: No, just waiting for my clients to get here. --- (annoyed) Yes, I'll be home in time for dinner. Listen, I'm really busy right now. ---- Okay ---- Bye.

(Dr. Schraubenlocker looks around and realizes his secretary has left, gets frustrated and pounds his fist on the table. There is a knock on the door. Dr. Schraubenlocker sits up and fixes his hair.)

Schraubenlocker: Come in.

(Mrs. Atkins and Manfred enter the room. Mrs. Atkins is worried and stressed, while Manfred is unusually happy. Manfred immediately sits down on the chair in front of the desk)

Schraubenlocker: Good afternoon; Mrs. Atkins.
Atkins: Nice to meet you, Dr. Schraubenlocker.

(they shake hands)

Schraubenlocker: (to Manfred) And you are?
Manfred: (Talking like a pirate) Ahoy, I be cap'n Blackbeard.
Schraubenlocker: Excuse me?
Atkins: That's the problem, Doctor. He won't stop talking like a pirate! I've tried everything!
Manfred: Yarr, I want me a bottle of rum.

(Mrs. Atkins takes Manfred by the shoulders and yells at him)

Atkins: Manfred, for the last time, YOU ARE NOT A PIRATE! You don't drink rum, you don't have a ship, you don't sail the oceans looking for treasure, you-
Manfred: Arr, wench, ye be botherin' me. Go walk the plank.

(Mrs. Atkins lets out a hysterical cry; Dr. Schraubenlocker examines Manfred.)

Schraubenlocker: (shaking his head) Oh, dear.
Atkins: (still crying) What's wrong with him, Doctor?
Schraubenlocker: I'm afraid your son has multiple personality disorder. And his is the worst case I've ever seen in my whole career as a psychologist!
Atkins: And how long have you been a psychologist?
Schraubenlocker: Two weeks! But fortunately there is a cure, if I could only find the tool I need...

(Dr. Schraubenlocker rummages around in the drawer beneath his desk)

Manfred: (singing)
Fifteen men on a dead man's chest
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum.
Drink and the devil had done for the rest
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum.

(Dr. Schraubenlocker pulls out a large steel rod)

Schraubenlocker: Aha!

(Dr. Schraubenlocker walks over to Manfred and clobbers him. Manfred falls to the floor unconscious.)

Atkins: (screaming) Oh my goodness! What are you doing?

Schraubenlocker: I'm curing his multiple personality disorder. What does it look like?
Atkins: (crying) You might have caused my baby brain damage!
Schraubenlocker: Nonsense! Nobody has ever suffered brain damage from being clobbered with a steel rod. Now if you'd kindly calm yourself down-
Atkins: (flipping out) CALM DOWN??? I will not calm down until you're behind bars for life! I'm taking my son to the emergency room and I'm gonna tell the police all about you and your “methods”! And then I'm gonna sue you so hard that-

(Mrs. Atkins notices that Manfred has snapped out of it and has stood up)

Manfred: Mother?
Atkins: Manfred? Are you all right?
Manfred: I think so. My head kind of hurts. (looks around) Where are we?
Atkins:  MANFRED!!! I'm so glad you're back to normal! Oh, thank you, Dr. Schraubenlocker!
Manfred: Where are we? And who is that?
Atkins: Well, that's a long story. First, you thought you were a pirate, and I just didn't know what to do, so I got us an appointment with Dr. Schraubenlocker here, and-
Manfred: Wait! This doesn't make any sense! I don't remember how we got here!
Atkins: We drove here, sweetheart. Now let's just go home.

Manfred: No! There's only one way this could have happened. We've been (dramatically) abducted. You! (pointing to Dr. Schraubenlocker) You're one of them, aren't you? I can smell you from miles away. Oh, how it makes my blood boil to see your kind disguised as a human. Who do you think you're fooling? Show your true form!!!

(Dr. Schraubenlocker backs away)

Manfred: I said, reveal yourself!

(Manfred tackles Dr. Schraubenlocker to the floor and tries to tear his skin off. Mrs. Atkins panics. Dr. Schraubenlocker drops the rod on the floor)

Atkins: (screams) What do we do???
Schraubenlocker: (yelling) It's no use! you'll have to clobber him again.
Atkins: Are you sure?
Schraubenlocker: Yes! Now clobber him!
Atkins: Is there any other way-
Schraubenlocker: JUST DO IT!!

(Mrs. Atkins picks up the rod and clobbers Manfred. Manfred falls over unconscious; Dr. Schraubenlocker pushes him off.)

(pause)

Atkins: Now what?
Schraubenlocker: Now, we wait until he regains consciousness and see if his personality has become something more tolerable.
Atkins: Is this really how you cure multiple personality disorder?
Schraubenlocker: Well, between you and me, there is no real cure for it, but my method can get him pretty close to what he used to be. See, every time he's clobbered, his brain generates a new personality at random, so if we clobber him often enough, we can be fairly certain that we'll eventually come across something you can live with.
Atkins: (crying) Oh, what have I ever done to deserve this!
Schraubenlocker: Actually, they say that the cause of multiple personality disorder has a lot to do with maternal smothering.

(Mrs. Atkins is about to protest, when Manfred gets up off the floor.)

Atkins: Manfred?
Manfred: Shhh. They'll hear you.
Atkins: Manfred, snap out of it! It's me, your mother!

(Manfred ignores her, and proceeds to summer-salt and cartwheel around the room, as if in a spy movie)

Schraubenlocker: Well, this is no good. Let's clobber him again.
Atkins: Okay.

(Mrs. Atkins clobbers Manfred, who falls to the floor unconscious.)

Atkins: How long does this method take?
Schraubenlocker: There's no way to tell. For all I know, we could be here for days.

(Manfred wakes up and growls like a pro-wrestler. He tackles Mrs. Atkins and tries to wrestle her)

Atkins: (screams) Aaaah! Manfred, stop!

(Dr. Schraubenlocker clobbers Manfred, Mrs. Atkins pushes him off and gets up.)

Atkins: I don't think this is working.
Schraubenlocker: Just wait and see.

(pause)

(Manfred gets up and pulls out a gun and puts it to Mrs. Atkins' head.)

Atkins: Where did you get that gun?
Manfred: Shut up and hand over your wallet.
Atkins: What!?
Manfred: I ain't got all day, hand over your wallet!

(Dr. Schraubelocker raises the steel rod)

Atkins: Stop! I think I'm seeing a pattern here! Every time we clobber him, he gets more dangerous! We have to stop!
Schraubenlocker: Nonsense! We're just not hitting him hard enough!

(Dr. Schraubenlocker clobbers him again. Manfred falls to the floor unconscious. Mrs. Atkins takes away the gun.)

(pause)

(Manfred gets  into a kung fu position. he makes weird noises and goes after Dr. Schraubenlocker. Mrs. Atkins catches him by the collar and holds him back while he tries to attack Dr. Schraubenlocker.)

Atkins: What did I tell you? You have to stop clobbering him!
Schraubenlocker: No, this method has never failed me before. I have to hit him harder!

(Dr. Schraubenlocker clobbers Manfred with all his might.)

(pause)

(Manfred gets up and pulls out two machine guns, and starts shooting around the room)

Schraubenlocker: Oh no... I shouldn't have hit him again.
Manfred: Drop the weapon!

(Dr. Schraubenlocker drops the steel rod. Mrs. Atkins drops the gun. They both cower in fear as Manfred approaches them with the machine guns)

Manfred: Any last words?
Atkins: I liked you better when you were a pirate...

(Just then, the secretary enters the room. She sees what's going on, sneaks in, picks up the steel rod and approaches Manfred)

Atkins/Schraubenlocker: NOOOO!!!

(The secretary clobbers Manfred, Manfred falls to the floor unconscious. Mrs. Atkins and Dr. Schraubenlocker look at him for a few moments, then silently sneak out of the room. The secretary follows them.)

(the lights dim)

(Manfred wakes up)

Manfred: (Terminator-style) I'll be back...

THE END